My Inner Demon

Disclaimer: I am not posting tasty pictures to talk about it this blog but rather to compliment my mood swings. But for this particular painting, I take it, by Sandor Badacsonyi reminds me so much of yours truly. Allow me to talk about it, please.

The man with violin is always the demon in disguise. Either he is the sensual lover or the demon himself. Beside him reflects who he really is. At close inspection the man is decorated with perhaps a form of achievement and his devil reflection surprisingly wears a cross pendant. What could it possibly mean? A once Jesus faithful turned evil by none other than the original sin beside them-a naked woman? Now, you might be pondering on why I called women the original sin...don't ask. I am just way over my head and I must admit to my derision. Forgive me ladies. I am talking in reference of history and here say so.

If you ask me, I do believe in malevolent spirits and other worldly or should I say, under worldly entities. Demons, black spirits and other creatures from the pits of hell but the true demon for me is no other than ourselves. The voice that lies in our inner minds that puts us down. The same voice that keeps us from moving and reaching our goals. I am in a constant battle with my demon. He may not look hideous as this mans reflection, in fact, may I blow my horn, he is but as handsome as I am, only that he thwarts every move I make. Like, check-mate, time out, and knock out. Realizing I am unfair to myself and others that I might affect or influence with my exemplary displayed.

So on Monday we all shall see.

You Can Not Walk Away from Love, But You Can with Work

Seems like I have made a decision too abrupt and now I find myself quitting without second thoughts, without much thought, when I recollect just two months ago, I would have given the world for a paying job, now, I am practically walking out of a one fine job. Luck, I am sure this time would desert me in favor or someone who truly needs it.

Am I a bit bothered? Not at all, I guess there is no point of working at all if you can not imagine yourself doing it for the rest of your life. In my case I can not imagine myself prolonging the agony. And I can not quite pin down exactly what I want to do for a living. Everything seems to beset a tall order I am scared to face. I have 30 minutes to decide whether to hail a taxi and speed to work or relax up stairs and listen to my favorite music and figure out the next best thing to do. Without a doubt, I'd choose the latter. Nothing seems to mean too much to me now. Not work, not myself and but the dream...

This is my good bye bid to everyone. So long my office, so long my team mates, so long my crushes. Someday we will still see each other and I must admit to miss you all and think of what might have been only had I stayed. But one thing is for sure, I am happy with whatever I will have then.

XOXO !

Yello is Cowardice

I browsed the web for this picture under the tag "Yellow". Yellow because it expressed my cowardice to live and let live.

Take a look at the picture. A woman, in which during that time I felt as though I were a helpless woman. Second class in society and defeated of his own self. Armless to help herself from his monstrous thighs that weighs her onto the yellow sofa that signifies her hopeless succumb to cowardice. What is more, the light exposes her helplessness, and being one eyed does not help to make her see better.

Now, this is just a work of art I truly admire. Care-free proportions with carefully selected colors. I consider this coffee house art now that I am no longer sad, or coward. Courageous I am. Courageous I am.

By the way, I almost quit work again, but look at me...making myself better. Thank you Dave.

Sad as a Clown

I give up. I give up on myself, my relationship, my career, practically my life. I am tired of being me- the same difficult person, anxious and tensed, always worried about the future, about the slightest details or spot. It is exhausting, daunting and I want to plunge into the pit of death, to end it all, to make everybody happy. Nothing and never will there come a time of peace and happiness for me.

My boyfriend might be thinking he is one of the reasons for my state. Frankly, he is but really, he is not. Everything that happened is just a reflection of who I am and a matter of how much I could understand and accept. Apparently, I can not. Now I am sad for myself and certainly most sad about my partner. He is trying his best to make me forget but here I am not wanting to let go of the past. It was him who had made much sacrifices in this relationship, it was him who took all the bouts from me and I was just being myself-the monster in distress.

I guess somewhere in between I miss being alone. I guess I want to be alone. Far from where I could hurt people, far from my own self. I do not want to blame myself for everything, but I seem to sound like typical me when I say this but I am just responding. No, it is how one responds to something, right? And it only shows I do not know how to respond really well. That is true for sure. Now that I have once more hurt my boyfriends feeling, what do I do next? Say sorry and do the same thing all over again? I am really holding onto whatever it is that I have. But it feels like it is almost gone. Nada. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Lord knows for sure, but I have to deal with what is happening now and I do not want to. I really don't. Maybe I need time alone to assess what is to be assessed but I could not afford to lose him as well but I must admit it is not easy. I really find it hard to believe in forever after so much. But I guess there is just no other choice but move in with him because I love him and I could never allow myself to be touched by someone else. Stuck in oblivion but not wanting to fall out of touch.

(picture by : www.mentecapta.blogger.com.br/The%20Sad%20Clown.jpg)

Amen, Amen to That! Quoted from the Devil Himself

"Amen, Amen to that!" I am wondering why that spawn of devil would not shiver and die uttering the holy word, and my email inbox is plagued by porn subscriptions. Again wondering this time on how I can permanently unsubscribe to those unsightly, very not puritan porn. My boyfriend would not surely like it...now, wait, perhaps he would. Who does not like porn...I don't. Apparently my subscription happened at the time I was single. Now that I am committed I am divine ever since. Amen, amen to that.

My beloved father was decided to try the perfume business. I thought it was a brilliant idea, may not be everybody's needs but nevertheless, not a bad idea. He wants to call the perfume, (I am keeping it a secret for the mean time). I added a second word making it really interesting, EMO -ish and darkly poetic. What I am most excited about really is the packaging design and the marketing. I have told my boyfriend about this and we both liked the idea. He is the perfect partner since he had been in the perfume industry sometime in his early twenties. So I guess my father all of a sudden does not fit in the picture. That is fine.

Lately, I have been doing some reashing for the most crued perfume. I must say its piece of cake and sounds lucrative of me, might take a while though but definitely is going happen. A little effort goes a long, long way.