Sad as a Clown

I give up. I give up on myself, my relationship, my career, practically my life. I am tired of being me- the same difficult person, anxious and tensed, always worried about the future, about the slightest details or spot. It is exhausting, daunting and I want to plunge into the pit of death, to end it all, to make everybody happy. Nothing and never will there come a time of peace and happiness for me.

My boyfriend might be thinking he is one of the reasons for my state. Frankly, he is but really, he is not. Everything that happened is just a reflection of who I am and a matter of how much I could understand and accept. Apparently, I can not. Now I am sad for myself and certainly most sad about my partner. He is trying his best to make me forget but here I am not wanting to let go of the past. It was him who had made much sacrifices in this relationship, it was him who took all the bouts from me and I was just being myself-the monster in distress.

I guess somewhere in between I miss being alone. I guess I want to be alone. Far from where I could hurt people, far from my own self. I do not want to blame myself for everything, but I seem to sound like typical me when I say this but I am just responding. No, it is how one responds to something, right? And it only shows I do not know how to respond really well. That is true for sure. Now that I have once more hurt my boyfriends feeling, what do I do next? Say sorry and do the same thing all over again? I am really holding onto whatever it is that I have. But it feels like it is almost gone. Nada. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Lord knows for sure, but I have to deal with what is happening now and I do not want to. I really don't. Maybe I need time alone to assess what is to be assessed but I could not afford to lose him as well but I must admit it is not easy. I really find it hard to believe in forever after so much. But I guess there is just no other choice but move in with him because I love him and I could never allow myself to be touched by someone else. Stuck in oblivion but not wanting to fall out of touch.

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