Mac or Salon? 2010: Nah! Fashion Designer!

I have neglected this blog for how many months now, in fact, I forgot about its existence! Poor Blog and poor me I have not written down my thoughts and feelings for quite some time now. After reading few of my entries, I saw how different plans change in days, minutes or seconds and the effect could possibly reverberate all through my life, much more, our lives.

Yestermonths, I was undecided between Mac and Salon, I wanted to become a make up artist then because for one, I know how to draw and somehow the link there is colors and paint are no different with make up tools. I ended up in a salon. For two weeks I had worked there practically as a janitor. Each morning for two weeks I cleaned shampoo bowls, the canals between the tiles, and practicing shampoo-ing basics and the hardest impressing the Japanese Hair cutter and my boss. I promised to never quit! I needed to prove myself that I could last for more than two months, so after two weeks, I never showed up. Those were two unpaid weeks. But was it a worth while experience? Indeed! because it led me to realize what I really wanted to do in life and I hope this time it is final, I am now studying to become a fashion designer and dressmaker/ master cutter to hopefully one day work in the middle east or simply make a name in town. Interesting, is it not? Dave also is primarly the reason for the sudden change of heart though I still would pursue make up after, say ten years, I dunno just yet but for the mean time, that dream is stalled. Fashion Designing, Dressmaking/Tailoring is a bigger fish to fry!

MAC or Salon?

I have never been so fucked up in my life and we are just talking about career and its growth! I never thought it would be this bloody important. Back in college and high school, much more, I could not care less and damn me for not paying attention and now, here I behold the reprecussions. Had I been alot smarter after high-school, had I been informed that cosmetology as well as fashion designing are courses offered in universities, I would have enrolled to that course instead of this no good communication arts course Im done with for nearly two years now. And look at me now, in deep career crisis.

Currently, I am employed at the best salon in Manila. Somehow I am uncertain if I really do want to stay there. First, my boss mentioned something about a 5 year contract, when you are stupid like me, you'd just nod your head with total confidence just to get in, and now, I cannot even remember when she would offer the contract. Would there really be a contract? Hint and feel should tell me to quit, but after a few weeks of working and observing at their salon, I must say they well trained staff who delivers quality service than any other hotel franchise I have ever been too. The only draw back to me is, training takes a while, I am talking about not proceeding to the next level unless you master the basic- shampooing. Appalled as I am even up to this day that such scrutiny does exist, but it does make sense, at the same time it does not. Another thing, my salary increase depends on how good I am and how much I know in the salon. I am so close to giving up and right now, since I only want to be a make up artist, I am curious if the grass is greener on the side of make up artists for MAC stores and alike. You see, the environment is relaxed, you get to be in the mall for 8 hours or so, you have definite break time, the minimum salary is secured, and you are surrounded by make up! A friend of mind told me that they earn a lot! Someone I talked to in The Face Shop said working as a make up artist for fix salon would earn more. The plot thickens when I think of the many things I would learn if I stay in the salon. I would learn more than just make up that would be beneficial in time. Maybe I should stay just for experience say, for 1 year, I would only have to clarify about the contract. Because I would not want to work knowing I am tied to the salon for five years. I think my boss is smart enough to teach me the basics and teach me make up after I sign the 5 year contract. I think that is what she is up to. I could not be so sure, though. If I would work for MAC, it would be much better because they have seminars and trainings for different looks for each season. That comes with certificates. Neat! But, it would not learn other things as I would in the salon. Salary wise, MAC would be better. Clienteles I would say, both are good exposures and offers opportunity to meet good clienteles. Gosh, its difficult and I am tired. I should rest.

FOREVER???

It's not my nature to post on web any form of writing to express how I feel. Actually this is my first time to post here on blogger. Most of the time its my Sicily (Nicky) who post on this blog account although we both own this blog account. I may not be as smart like Sicily but my words are as important as his. Honestly, I hate sharing my feelings and broadcasting it here online but somehow I think its about time for me to express it. I am the biggest fan and supporter of Sicily. I do appreciate everything that he does and all that he is but somehow I don't always agree with him. Just for example; his blog ROMEO AND ROMEO is very subjective. And I do understand it, because blogs are one of those ways to express how we feel.

I did had a hard time to get a tittle of my ever first blog. There were lots of possible tittle I can come up with but I did choose FOREVER??? with 3 question marks. I chose it, because every time problems and challenges comes our way I always wonder we can make it forever.

Last night before I went to my room I sent him an sms. It consist of bad words and fowl messages. Honestly I felt really bad for doing it, I hope Sicily will realized that it's not his mother and his best friends mother am referring to. I've sent that message for him to feel my anger.

My heart is broken cause I felt the man of my life is not giving the respect I deserve, the care that I earn, the equality he promised, and the Love I expect. Sad that I felt our relationship is not like before hand in hand its more like a one man show. He directs I obey, he reacts I listen and he controls I give in. Little by little he's getting selfish. Little by little he's going to a different path. Little by little he's loosing my faith.

It's painful to hear that my love doesn't believe me anymore . He's more fond of other people. He even tell to my face that I lack the drive to succeed unlike his friends and folks. Funny I never doubted his talents and skills and I am always the optimistic who advices him of his bright future. I am not a loser but he treats me and constantly make me feel I am.

With all of the things going on to both of us right now, is there anyone who could tell me how can we go on forever? Please help me!

Romeo and Romeo

I feel like an endless sorrowful dream with my love these days. Nothing just figures. An endless battle for what? Somehow I feel at fault. Maybe I truly am. Sometimes I ask myself if I really am a help to my love or am I only putting him down. His actions speaks louder and what it screams is pain, suffering and enormous patience. I do not know if he brought it upon himself, if by any chance I was not his lover and someone else is, would he react the same hurting way or otherwise? Strongly I feel it is not my fault but who are we to place the blame. I have said my apologies, but I am also aware that I try to meet him halfway with every bit of his character, he does too. It is just that I feel that I am trying to change, he on the other hand remains the same, thus not meeting me half way. Perhaps this is my attempt to place the blame on him, perhaps not, or it is simply by far the bitter truth.

Love, you are precious. I am trying, at times I sink. I guess in this kind of relationship you either sink or swim. Unless one of us wants out. I love you is one truth on top of all. No one is perfect. I have accepted your flaws, I know you have with mine. I guess it is safe to say that there is no issue at all if at the end of the day we remain to love each other endlessly.

Tomorrow Means Worry

Sometimes I will never get myself why I can not seem to just stick with one job. No peace and solace in immobility, or at least that is how a routine feels like for me. A stick in the mud. Nothing more a little patience could do. It is hard because I find myself starting all over again.

This Thursday night, I would be officially resigned from a call center company. Happy that I would regain the youthful glow I once had when I was not perplexed to comply with the graveyard shift. But Somehow I am back to worrying about the future. This Thursday afternoon I have a job interview for a trainee position in one of the best salons in Ortigas. This would mean working day time, paid at the minimum or perhaps work by commission but definitely there is growth a bona fide career. Fingers crossed. This time, there is no quitting.

My Inner Demon

Disclaimer: I am not posting tasty pictures to talk about it this blog but rather to compliment my mood swings. But for this particular painting, I take it, by Sandor Badacsonyi reminds me so much of yours truly. Allow me to talk about it, please.

The man with violin is always the demon in disguise. Either he is the sensual lover or the demon himself. Beside him reflects who he really is. At close inspection the man is decorated with perhaps a form of achievement and his devil reflection surprisingly wears a cross pendant. What could it possibly mean? A once Jesus faithful turned evil by none other than the original sin beside them-a naked woman? Now, you might be pondering on why I called women the original sin...don't ask. I am just way over my head and I must admit to my derision. Forgive me ladies. I am talking in reference of history and here say so.

If you ask me, I do believe in malevolent spirits and other worldly or should I say, under worldly entities. Demons, black spirits and other creatures from the pits of hell but the true demon for me is no other than ourselves. The voice that lies in our inner minds that puts us down. The same voice that keeps us from moving and reaching our goals. I am in a constant battle with my demon. He may not look hideous as this mans reflection, in fact, may I blow my horn, he is but as handsome as I am, only that he thwarts every move I make. Like, check-mate, time out, and knock out. Realizing I am unfair to myself and others that I might affect or influence with my exemplary displayed.

So on Monday we all shall see.

You Can Not Walk Away from Love, But You Can with Work

Seems like I have made a decision too abrupt and now I find myself quitting without second thoughts, without much thought, when I recollect just two months ago, I would have given the world for a paying job, now, I am practically walking out of a one fine job. Luck, I am sure this time would desert me in favor or someone who truly needs it.

Am I a bit bothered? Not at all, I guess there is no point of working at all if you can not imagine yourself doing it for the rest of your life. In my case I can not imagine myself prolonging the agony. And I can not quite pin down exactly what I want to do for a living. Everything seems to beset a tall order I am scared to face. I have 30 minutes to decide whether to hail a taxi and speed to work or relax up stairs and listen to my favorite music and figure out the next best thing to do. Without a doubt, I'd choose the latter. Nothing seems to mean too much to me now. Not work, not myself and but the dream...

This is my good bye bid to everyone. So long my office, so long my team mates, so long my crushes. Someday we will still see each other and I must admit to miss you all and think of what might have been only had I stayed. But one thing is for sure, I am happy with whatever I will have then.

XOXO !

Yello is Cowardice

I browsed the web for this picture under the tag "Yellow". Yellow because it expressed my cowardice to live and let live.

Take a look at the picture. A woman, in which during that time I felt as though I were a helpless woman. Second class in society and defeated of his own self. Armless to help herself from his monstrous thighs that weighs her onto the yellow sofa that signifies her hopeless succumb to cowardice. What is more, the light exposes her helplessness, and being one eyed does not help to make her see better.

Now, this is just a work of art I truly admire. Care-free proportions with carefully selected colors. I consider this coffee house art now that I am no longer sad, or coward. Courageous I am. Courageous I am.

By the way, I almost quit work again, but look at me...making myself better. Thank you Dave.

Sad as a Clown

I give up. I give up on myself, my relationship, my career, practically my life. I am tired of being me- the same difficult person, anxious and tensed, always worried about the future, about the slightest details or spot. It is exhausting, daunting and I want to plunge into the pit of death, to end it all, to make everybody happy. Nothing and never will there come a time of peace and happiness for me.

My boyfriend might be thinking he is one of the reasons for my state. Frankly, he is but really, he is not. Everything that happened is just a reflection of who I am and a matter of how much I could understand and accept. Apparently, I can not. Now I am sad for myself and certainly most sad about my partner. He is trying his best to make me forget but here I am not wanting to let go of the past. It was him who had made much sacrifices in this relationship, it was him who took all the bouts from me and I was just being myself-the monster in distress.

I guess somewhere in between I miss being alone. I guess I want to be alone. Far from where I could hurt people, far from my own self. I do not want to blame myself for everything, but I seem to sound like typical me when I say this but I am just responding. No, it is how one responds to something, right? And it only shows I do not know how to respond really well. That is true for sure. Now that I have once more hurt my boyfriends feeling, what do I do next? Say sorry and do the same thing all over again? I am really holding onto whatever it is that I have. But it feels like it is almost gone. Nada. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Lord knows for sure, but I have to deal with what is happening now and I do not want to. I really don't. Maybe I need time alone to assess what is to be assessed but I could not afford to lose him as well but I must admit it is not easy. I really find it hard to believe in forever after so much. But I guess there is just no other choice but move in with him because I love him and I could never allow myself to be touched by someone else. Stuck in oblivion but not wanting to fall out of touch.

(picture by : www.mentecapta.blogger.com.br/The%20Sad%20Clown.jpg)

Amen, Amen to That! Quoted from the Devil Himself

"Amen, Amen to that!" I am wondering why that spawn of devil would not shiver and die uttering the holy word, and my email inbox is plagued by porn subscriptions. Again wondering this time on how I can permanently unsubscribe to those unsightly, very not puritan porn. My boyfriend would not surely like it...now, wait, perhaps he would. Who does not like porn...I don't. Apparently my subscription happened at the time I was single. Now that I am committed I am divine ever since. Amen, amen to that.

My beloved father was decided to try the perfume business. I thought it was a brilliant idea, may not be everybody's needs but nevertheless, not a bad idea. He wants to call the perfume, (I am keeping it a secret for the mean time). I added a second word making it really interesting, EMO -ish and darkly poetic. What I am most excited about really is the packaging design and the marketing. I have told my boyfriend about this and we both liked the idea. He is the perfect partner since he had been in the perfume industry sometime in his early twenties. So I guess my father all of a sudden does not fit in the picture. That is fine.

Lately, I have been doing some reashing for the most crued perfume. I must say its piece of cake and sounds lucrative of me, might take a while though but definitely is going happen. A little effort goes a long, long way.